the constant feeling of not belonging, fear of replacement, fear of being alone is sickening. i detest it. of anything i could ever wish for, i wish i didnt care. im sick of it all. i absolutely despise that i care so much. i dont want to care that my "friends" would rather be with anyone BUT me. of all their friends, im the last person they want to hang out with. they dont want to admit it, but i know. i know im not the most exciting, or "happy" person to be around, but no matter what im always there for them. even if they arent there for me. i know im nobody's "best" friend. maybe second best. and i guess that should be enough for me, but sometimes its not. actually, it is never enough. im sick of not having a permanent best friend. yeah i have someone i can count on most of the time, but even though he constantly tells me he wont leave me for someone else, im in constant fear he will. like i said, i know im not the most fun or happy person, which is why im afraid he will get bored with me and find someone else. (and if your reading this, you know who you are.) im not good enough for him. or for anyone else for that matter. i know. so here i am, writing about it because i have no clue what else to do. and im so tired of it all. i wish with every ounce of me, that i just didnt give a fuck wether any of my friends gave a fuck about me. but i do. and i hate myself for it because i know im just setting myself up for hurt. and as i said, you know who you are and if your reading this, dont feel hurt. i honestly am not trying to hurt you. i love you and you know that, but i relly cant help but to feel this way. its not you, its me. i have trust issues, and im try hard to resolve them. for you. so even though i feel this way, i'll try damn hard to block these feelings. DAMN HARD BITCH. because im pretty sure you would do the same for me. i think. i hope.
"dont tell me you love me unless you mean it, because i might do something stupid like believe it."