March 20th, 2009

(no subject)

I am finding things out about people that I don't really want to know. Things I was blind to untill now. And I hate it. I hate finding bad things out about people. People I thought I knew better than most, even myself. It makes me sad to figure these things out. I guess "What you don't know won't hurt you" Is tre in a way...I would have been just fine If I had never foound out the things I already have.

Not a Good Day, Not In the Least Bit.

Why am I even fucking alive? Why don't I just do everyone a fucking favor, and end it? God. I wish I had never ever ever ever ever been born. I wish I was a bug. Then Someone could just step on me and squish the fuck out of me. And no one would even care. I mean, it isn't illegal to kill a bug. And it isn't considered suicide if a bug flies into a window and kills itself. I could just fucking die, and I wouldn't have to worry about a thing. But then of course, why should I worry now if I just died? No one would really give a shit, they might be sad for a few minutes but they would get over it pretty quickly. Why not? Why not just "accidentally" take a few extra pills? I mean, by then I would already be dead, and when I am dead, I wouldn't have to worry about what anyone else cared. Why do i care now? I should just end it now. I want to. I honestly feel like there is no fucking poin tin my living at all. What is wrong with me? I just need to end it. I cannot take anymore shit. I keep saying that I can't take anymore shit, but I always do. But God, I think your about to witness my first breakdown. I really do. I am not even making a bit of sense. And my words are probbably all misspelled, but it's hard to see through the fucking tears. I don't want to live. I don't like this. I don't like it. I mean my parents keep defending me about the whole cutting myself thing, and I feel so fucking bad. Why can't people just stay out of my buisness? My grandma and sister think I cut...I don't know what I am saying. I just want out of here. Out of my house, out of my mind. My mind. I don't like it, It won't stop thinking. Everytime it thinks, it hurts me. I wish It would stop. I wish Everything would stop. Now! Why do bugs have to have it so fucking easy? I want to be a bug, maybe then I wouldn't have to worry about my friends. Wait, what friends? I don't have any. I don't want any. I want to leave. Firends just seem to cause more pain. At least the ones I have. Because I am not fun, or happy or anyting enough for them. I am just someone they put up with. God, I make fun of Teo o much, At least he has friends that want to be with him, even if they are neardy as fuck. I want friends that love me. Wait no I don't, Because what if they would stop loving me? I would get even sadder. I don't care if sadder isn't a word! I just don't want thiss. I Want to go.I want to dissappear. I want to be a bug. I now I whine too much and complain. But hey If your reading this, I did not tell you to! I am writing because it is the only way I can get all of this shit out of my head. Bugs can't talk. Or type. But they can't even think real thoghts...I want to be a bug. I wish I had never met my "friends" Because I don't seem to make them happy. I don't deserve to fucking live. All those jews who died deserved to live. They should have killed me. I bet bugs died. I want to gooooo! I wish I was a dog. Dogs are man's best friend. I have no one. No one but this fucking computer. It doesn't talk back. It don't listen either. But no one does, so why would I expect my computer to care? I mean, Why would it? What have I done for my fucking computer but use it? I am such a bad friend. I Can't even be a good friend to my computer. I don't desareve any of this. Why must all the bugs die and I live? I should die. Them bugs didn't do anyhting to deserve to die. I want to diiie.

I am sad.

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