April 4th, 2009

Living in fear...

I have been getting along a lot better it seems...I haven't gotten upset about something to the point suicide seems like a good idea, for about a week. Which is an improvement...But I know some little tiny thing will set me off into that darkness that I cant seem to escape. I need to see the doctor about it...I think I might. Because I'm constantly in fear of the impending sadness I know will come. I can't seem to help but to get so down sometimes..I know it isn't normal. I try and hide it the best I can. It would be different if I just gor a bit upset, but with me, I get so...I don't know...The last time I had the pills...I was so close...It scares me because, I do want to live, it's like something takes over...I'm so scared one day it will get the best of me and I will just give in and commit suicide. But believe me when I say, that I do want to live. I may be a pessimist, and I may not be the most smart of whatever, but I do have goals in my life. I do care. I want to live. I can't live in constant fear of falling back into that darkness...I can't. It sickens me.

I just have to say...


...that I'm like incredibly amused at the moment.

Hehehheeee.

I'm like talking to this guy on myspace and he's drunk. He is like trying to hold a conversation, but his words are all misspelled and jacked up...And it's not making much sense. So I'm just pretty much laghing my ass offf and falling outta my chair. I'm so stuuuuuupid. I can't breathe..Ima pass out here in a minute...

Theres something very entertaining about this to me...Damn.

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    amused amused