May 5th, 2009

(no subject)

Haha.
I have pretty much came to the conclusion that..
Well, none of my friends on here ACTUALLY write on this thing regularly..
I do though.
Does that seggest that I have no life?
If so, then so be it.
I write on here not for everyone to read, but so I can go on with my life with what little sanity I may have..
I need to write.
I never used to really care for it, but soon after I started, I discovered that its something I can't go without doing.
This is how I get all my feelings out.
How I can express myself without feeling self-consious.
It may sound silly, but the more I write, the less I feel the need to depend upon other people.
Not completely.
Just in the matter of talking about things, needing someone to help me get by..Emotionally.
I used to depend so much on a certain friend.
I thought I was doing the sensible thing.
Because I thought that was how things worked.
You know, telling your 'best friend' every little thing that made you happy or everything that upset you.
And at the time, I was completely happy with how things were working.
I told him everything, he told me everything, and all was good.
It was nice in a way to feel that close to someone.
But at the same time, you feel so incredibly vulnerable.
When someone knows that much about you...It just leaves more room for troble. For drama. For a complete mess.
And you may think I'm trying to bring up this incident once again, but I'm simply saying..
That I no longer feel that need to be close to someone.
I can write on here and feel ten times the satisfaction of when I actually talked to a person about my feelings.
I can write better than I can talk.
Way better.
If you heard me talk, you wouldn't believe that I can actually write..
I mean, I talk like a fucking hill-billy or hick or something.
Or so I've been told.
But hey, what the hell do I care?
I'm not trying to prove shit to anyone.
I really don't have much of a point in this entry.
Or half of my other entries for that matter.
I don't quite understand how some people can write on here regularly for so long,
And just up and quit..
I mean, for me, writing is llike breathing.
If I'm not on here, I'm like writing mindless shit about my day or just feelings on a scrap of paper.
Hah, I'm a lunatic. I know.
But if I didn't write, I'd be that much more of a lunatic.
I guess you might say I don't have too many friends and blame this writing addiction on that.
You could, it's a very reasonable arguement.
But whatever the reason may be behind my madness, this is just how I am.
But anyways...
Might I say how my life has been in the last few days since I wrote last?
Quite some things have changed...Believe it or not.
I know, I'm shocked too.
What possibly in my boring pathetic life could have any significance that changed?
Well my dear,
What I was ranting about in my last entry for instance.
I would delete it, but I vowed to never delete any of my entries.
Why would I want to really?
Why be ashamed of what I was feeling?
Which in that entry, is what I was truely feling at the time.
And that goes for every enty I have ever written.
They all came from my heart, whether they were about some pety little incident that has no significance, whatsoever..
Or whether they actually meant something.
Whatever category you choose to put each in, is fine with me.
But thats beside the point.
My last entry, or entries rather, I would lke to clarify that I no longer feel that way.
I love that person to death.
He means the world to me.
And I now understand why he was acting in such a way to make me feel like that.
He was hurting, and I now uderstand that.
I won't be a hippocite and say that I don't snap at people, generaly the ones I care for most..When I'm upset about something.
Because, well quite obviously, I can be a bitch to people that don't deserve my bitchiness.
So...I just wanted to clear that up.
And Just say that I love that certain someone so much, it hurts and would do anything for him.
He is my everything.
I think I might be falling to hard, and maybe too fast. In fact, I know I am.
And I hope it doesn't end badly.
I hop it doesn't end at all.
Becuse I'm always so happy when I'm with him.
I know he has the same feelings for me as I do him, but I'm never quite sure if They're as strong as what I'm feeling.
I'm new at this.
I have no clue what I'm doing.
I have never felt this way before.
I'm not quite sure what to do.
Its hard sometimes... Quite stressful, my not knowing whether I've done somthing wrong, or just in general being in a relationship.
I mean, I'm aware now, that I flirt with guys.
I never noticed it before, I just thought I was being friendly.
But when someone pointed it out to me (a bit harshly, I might add) I do...A lot.
I don't really mean to.
And now I'm trying to stop.
I guess before, it wasn't such a problem..
But now it is, and I have to watch myself.
It isn't like anything would have ever come out of my 'flirting'.
I'm sure of it.
But whatever.
I have lost a couple friends though.
Guy friends that is.
But in the end, they weren't really friends if they can't handle the situation. Thats what I keep telling myself anyway...
And I think I might have made my 'ex-girlfriend' suicidal.
Now, don't judge..
I only agreed to be her girlfriend because I didn't want to hurt her feelings..And because she lived far away.
But when I 'broke up' with her, she said 'Its okay, I'm gonna kill myself anyway now..'
Wow.
Don't I feel like a major ass.
And it doesn't help that she won't answer calls and isn't online.
Take that however you wish..
I hope for the best.
I didn't want to cause any harm.
But I guess I did anyway.
Hmmmmmm.
I don't know.
I guess I can't make everyone happy.
And I guess, the harder I try to, the more I make things worse.
I need to just let things go.
Keep my mouth shut.
But even when I do, that still doesn't seem to make them happy.
Nothing does.
And I'm just wasting time and effort trying to make things work.
I will say I give up.
But I know I won't give up for long.
Its against my nature to just leave things be.
I can't just let things go.
I have to just pick and pick.
'Little Miss Has To Pick the Wounds'
Hah, I guess thats what you could say about me...
I just have to...
Its in my nature, and I can't seem to go against it, no matter how much I try.
I just care way to much.
I need to stop.
But I can't. I know I can't.
It gets on my nerves that I'm so fucking predictable...Even to myself.
Oh well.
I can't believe Im going to quote Hannah Montanna....
What the hell, she is right about one thing...
"Lifes what you make it, so lets make it right."
Hah, but it seems as if I can't even do that...