May 8th, 2009

(no subject)

Is it bad that I just don't really care?
I guess to an extent I care..But I'm just really getting tired of putting up with other peoples' shit.
Its getting on my nerves and I'm at the point where I just don't really give a damn.
I'm probably being a real bitch to people...
And I'm not sure if I even care that I am.
I know I shouldn't be so careless with other peoples' feelings.
But once again, I'm not really sure I care.
Hah.
Damn, I'm really being such a douche to everyone.
I don't know whats gotten into me.
Normally I'm very considerate towards others...But not today..
I will probably regret all the shit I'm saying later...
Goddamn.
I'm just digging my grave that much deeper..
Oh well.
Like I give a damn.
At the moment, I kind of want to die.
Like not really in the whole depressive and suicidal way, but more of as in my curiousity of what happens in the 'afterlife'.
Not physically..I mean I know that physically, they dump your remains in a casket and leave you six feet under the dort for your decaying body to rot and fall to pieces, peacfully..
I know that, I'm not stupid..
I just wonder what happens..I guess yo would say spiritually? Or where your 'soul' goes?
Is there life after death?
I suppose thats what I'm asking..
I mean, everyone fears death..
Just the mention of it makes most people tremble with fear..
It seems to be such a touchy subject for some people..
I don't understand why.
No one has ever experienced actual death itself, and came back to the world to tell of what happens..
So why should everyone fear it?
For all we know, we could all just be 'ghosts' of some sort to wander about in the physical world.
Or we could go with the more traditional belief with the whole Heaven and Hell bit..
But whichever..We still haven't the slightest idea what happens after we die and leave te physical world.
So there isn't a real reason to be scared.
To me, the thought of death is quite comforting.
If you think about it, ther isn't very much that is unknown to the human race..
The thought of not knowing for sure what will happen...Actually comforts me..
In a world where most everything is certain, so set in stone...It just soothes me that everything isn't as it really seems.
I know it probably sounds extremely silly.
And more than likely, you probably won't understand.
But thats okay.
You can call me morbid.
Call me depressed.
Call me suicidal.
Frankly my dear, I just don't give a damn.
This is how I think. Live with it. Get over it.
Learn to think beyond what they're trying to teach you in school or in church or what your parents or friends say.
Learn to think for your own damn self.
The world would be a much better place if people could learn how to do that.





(no subject)

Why do I always do this to myself?
I get attatched to people so easily.
I need to stop.
Now!
I can't take it! I know I brought it all on myself.
Its my fucking fault for letting myself get so attatched.
I can't let myself do this anymore.
I have to distance myself. From everyone.
It never fails...Ever. Every single time I get close to someone..
I'm just huurting myself.
This is so pointless.
My stupidity. It hurts me in so many ways.
I love him, and I just want to help him. Know whats bothering him..
Thats all. And he won't say.
I have never even met this guy, but I do love him, hes such a great friend. I know I shouldn't let myself do this..I know.
I can't help it.
But now theres somthign wrong and he won't tell me.
And it's killing me.
I swear it. My friends will be the death of me.
I can't let myself get close to him anymore.
He's honestly killing me. I can't take this.
I don't know what the hell is wrong with me..I just know I can't do this to myself anymore.
Its too much of a bother.
I need to just let go...
Let go of all my friends...
The more attatched I get to them, the more it pains me when shit like this happens. And most emotionally stable people can handle it.
But I fucking can't.
I swear to god, if I keep getting closer to them...It will be the death of me.
I want to be his friend though.
It hurts so bad for me to know that there is ibviously something wrong with him, and he won't tell me..
I worry that he just doesn't want to be my friend anymore..
But if thats the case, then I'd rather that be his problem than have something worse be wrong...I'd rather him be happy.
And if not being his friend maked him happy, I'll sacrifice my happiness for him.
This is killing me.
It truely is.
No more friends..No.
I can''t get attached to any more people.
Never ever again...

"Come on, come all, your just in time to witness my first breakdown.."