My beliefs...On God and such.

I believe in god and angels.
But the god I believe in seems to be quite different from what others think. I dunno. The god I believe in isn't a prick, like most christians make him out to be. He doesn't actually look down apon gays, lesbians, bi's and transgenders. He doesn't give a shit wheather people have sex before marriage or if they swear too much. Everything does happen for a reason. So I think god must be happy with everything going on in the world. If he wasn't happy with it, he could certainly change it. If he had the power to create the universe, if he wanted to kill a couple of gays, he could. If he didn't want all this shit going on he could fix it. So apparently, he wants it like this. So all you stupid mother fucking southern baptists and christians who go around saying shit like "Oh, everything happens for a reason, it's all part of god's plan." And then say, "God didn't create us to be attracted to the same sex" or "Oh, gay people are just wrong in the head." Haha. Don't deny it. I have been brought up in a southern baptist family, and up until about two years ago had been going to church every sunday and wednsday. I know all the shit they say. I know. I'm glad I can see past their hippacritical views and see the way things really are. In the real world. Not one that is so sheltered and judgemental. I could go on and on about how they don't like people wearing black nail polish how they don't like any music except for gospel how they can turn just about anything into something satanic if they don't thin it's "right". I could sit here for hours rambling.
I won't.
Don't misinterpret me, I do believe there is a god. I don't believe in the bible. I don't believe in the doctrine my church tried to shove down my throat. I believe that god is a free spirit that wants us to live our lives the way we want. As for Heaven and Hell, I'll believe it when I see it. Has anyone out there died and would like to tell me where you go if anywhere? No, that's what I thought. As much as some people would love to believe that theres a heaven, no one fucking knows!!!! For all we know, there is no life after death! Or that we all become ghosts or angels. We don't know.
I do believe in angels. I believe that they were sent from god to help us. That believing in them makes them real. I dunno, my belief in angels may be irrational, but so is alot of things that people believ in. I'm entitled to it.
One thing I won't do is parade around saying "I love God!" Or whatever. If I say that, people will automatically assume I mean the the God that they have been brought up to believe in. And more than likely, It's not gonna be the one I believe in. If I am making any sense at all...I don't give a fuck what you believe in or if you agree or disagree with me. This is what I believe and no matter how much anyone want's to change it...Well let's just say, Good luck!

I knew it.

I just knew it.
Here I am. Sad. I haven't the slightest idea why. Nothing happened. I just feel down. I hurt. For absolutely no reason. I'm sitting here crying my eyes out for nothing, at least nothing I can think of. I can't take this. I have no reason to be upset...But here I  am..

It's times like this where I wonder what the fuck is wrong with me. Times like this when I think I'm absolutely insane.

By the way, It isn't "that time of the month" so shut up.

(no subject)

Looking for love
Is like looking for the wind
You can never seem to quite see it
But rather feel it
You always know it's there
Though sometimes doubtful
You always come to the realization that it's there
For without it, life would not be possible
The flustration
Is a regular thing
When searching for something that could be
Right in front of your eyes
 But you cease to see it

So here you are looking in all the wrong places...


I just have to say...

...that I'm like incredibly amused at the moment.


I'm like talking to this guy on myspace and he's drunk. He is like trying to hold a conversation, but his words are all misspelled and jacked up...And it's not making much sense. So I'm just pretty much laghing my ass offf and falling outta my chair. I'm so stuuuuuupid. I can't breathe..Ima pass out here in a minute...

Theres something very entertaining about this to me...Damn.

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    amused amused

Living in fear...

I have been getting along a lot better it seems...I haven't gotten upset about something to the point suicide seems like a good idea, for about a week. Which is an improvement...But I know some little tiny thing will set me off into that darkness that I cant seem to escape. I need to see the doctor about it...I think I might. Because I'm constantly in fear of the impending sadness I know will come. I can't seem to help but to get so down sometimes..I know it isn't normal. I try and hide it the best I can. It would be different if I just gor a bit upset, but with me, I get so...I don't know...The last time I had the pills...I was so close...It scares me because, I do want to live, it's like something takes over...I'm so scared one day it will get the best of me and I will just give in and commit suicide. But believe me when I say, that I do want to live. I may be a pessimist, and I may not be the most smart of whatever, but I do have goals in my life. I do care. I want to live. I can't live in constant fear of falling back into that darkness...I can't. It sickens me.

To Christopher....

Oh, whatever. Like I give a shit. I wasn't trying to start shit either. And yeshhhhh, I know I needs to redye it...but Ima just wait. And I do recall you claiming to be what you are denying. So whatever. And and and Yeah, when I thought we were friends and you know, I kinda of you know liked you, I wanted to be friends. And don't missinterpret that...Lol. But now I don't. Honestly my dear, you don't have to be so fucking bitter in your posts. I'm civil to you...And truth be told, that one post about me, amuses me that much more. Haha. Another failed attempt to try and get me upset.
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This is insanely amusing to me.

I feel like such a bad influence....Hahahahahahahaha. *Falls off chair laughing* To someone at least...For now that we aren't friends anymore, black isn't his color...And he is happy. HAPPY. Hahahaha. Am I really that fucking depressing? Is it contagious or something? Is that why when we were friends he seemed like a missunderstood troubled soul? Is that why he was so determined to uphold the reputation of "Emo"? Why he was always excited by the thought of people thinking of him as the "Emo kid"? Is it really all because of me? Hahahaha. It seems so. Can you say PATHETIC?And it amuses the shit out of me. Ahhahahahahahahhahaahaaa. If I knew leaving would have made him(and me)this fucking happy, I would have left ages ago...Ahh, the taste of sweet remorse. Wish I hadn't met him. I'm sure he feels the same way. Hahahahaha. I'm so entertained. I probably shouldn't be...Oh well. Well my friend, I'm glad your happy now. :D
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    Listen up by From Behind These Walls

(no subject)

About an egotistical Meanie:

Shall I caompare thee to a summer's day?
...Wait a minute....FUCK NO....Wrong sentiment...
Oh how beautiful the sunlight shines
In that tangled mess of hair
It really brings out that evil glare,
To which you give to everyone
For your too good for them you see..
So you blame your jack-ass-fulness on thee
For wanting what we can't have
Well obviously
But ah, my dear, had it not occured to you
That we never wanted it at all?

How might a conversation go between him and me...

Me: "Yo jackass! Lemme shave that ugly head of yours!"
R: "Noooooooo! My hair makes me special!"
Me: "Pshhh. Special Ed...Now commere! Ima shave you bald.
R: "Never! I'll cast a spell on you! Because I'm big, bad and WICCAN!! Ooooh what now!
Me: "Oh I'm shakin in my boots! *Shaves off hair*
R: "Nooooooooooooo! I'm melting! I'm meeeellltttinnngggggg!

Hahahaha. That was me being stupid!!!

I feel so...Relieved.

Now that I am no longer friends with a certain someone, I feel like a lot of weight has been lifted off my shoulders. Like I had been holding my breath ever since I had met him and I just now let it out. I can breathe again. I feel so relieved. I never knew how much being his friend had taken a toll on me. I don't have to worry about any of it anymore. I have a feeling life will be much easier now that I have cut him out of my life. I mean, I know I will still have troubles and worries, but not half as many I had. I honestly had no clue how many of my worries revolved around him.

I might miss having a best friend, but I told him everything. EVERY-FUCKING-THING. And I think that was where all my worries stemmed out from. Having someone know everything can sometimes be comforting, but it also makes you feel very...Vunerable. Which is why I felt obliged to stay his friend and let him walk all over me. I don't have to worry about upsetting him, or drama. He can't control his temper. I was always afraid of what his reaction would be to anything. And all this, I just realized now. But I may not be making much sense.

What I am trying to say is, I am happy we are no longer friends. I won't say shit about your secrets...Whatever.

Thank you Chris, You have taught me a very important lesson. I will never get close to anyone again. You may think I am being sarcastic or bitter, but truely, I want to thank you.

Every time...

...I read that entry, I feel so...Like shit.
You said not to take it to heart, but it is kind of hard not to. I mean, I know you wrote it before you knew what my entry was about, but still, I now know how you truely feel. And that's okay. because all of it is true. I just didn't think it bothered you so much. I am not sure why I would think it wouldn't bother you, because I know the way I am is probably the most annoying things. I know. Maniac mood swings...I will try not to or at least hide them the best I can. Maybe I shouldn't tell you everything. Maybe I should keep to myself more. I am sorry. But I will try not to get close to you so I don't bother you with the "Small tiny things" that I "want to drop dead" over. I am sorry. all the times my doctor or parents or family said I need to see a shrink, they are probably right. because I guess I am pretty messed up. But nonetheless, I do love you.
I couldn't be any more sorry if I tried.